In 1967, John Lennon wrote a vocal called, "All You Need Is Dearest." He also beat out both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an unabridged day.

Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called "Dearest Is Not Enough." Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and agonizing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married i woman, had two children with her, and and then canceled unabridged albums and tours so that he could stay dwelling house and exist a adept husband and male parent.

One of these two men had a clear and realistic agreement of beloved. One of them did non. One of these men idealized honey as the solution to all of his bug. I of them did not. Ane of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our culture, many of us idealize honey. We run across it as some lofty cure-all for all of life's problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life's ultimate goal, the last solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a effect, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that "all we need is dearest," then like Lennon, nosotros're more probable to ignore key values such as respect, humility, and delivery towards the people we intendance well-nigh. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

But if, similar Reznor, nosotros believe that "dear is not plenty," then we understand that good for you relationships crave more than pure emotion or lofty passions. Nosotros empathize that at that place are things more than important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

The problem with idealizing honey is that information technology causes united states to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it tin practice for us. These unrealistic expectations so sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

Permit me to illustrate:

i. Love Does Not Equal Compatibility

Just considering you fall in beloved with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're a practiced partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional procedure. Compatibility is a logical process. And the two don't bleed into one another very well.

It'due south possible to autumn in love with somebody who doesn't care for u.s.a. well, who makes us experience worse about ourselves, who doesn't hold the same respect for u.s.a. every bit we exercise for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us downward with them.

Abstract painting love is not enough

It's possible to autumn in love with somebody who has unlike ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical behavior or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It's possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, just it'southward true.

When I recollect of all of the disastrous relationships I've seen or people accept emailed me about, many (or well-nigh) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion—they felt that "spark" and and then they but dove in head first. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acrid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And then vi months later, when she's throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he'south praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation, they look effectually and wonder, "Gee, where did information technology become wrong?"

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must utilize non but your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to discover someone who makes your center flutter and your farts olfactory property similar cherry popsicles. Only you lot besides need to evaluate a person's values, how they care for themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions, and their worldviews in general.

Because if you fall in dearest with someone who is incompatible with you… well, every bit the ski instructor from South Park once said, you're going to have a bad time.

2. Love Does Non Solve Your Relationship Problems

My kickoff girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

Man and woman kissing love is not enough

And every fourth dimension we fought, we'd come up dorsum to each other the adjacent 24-hour interval and make upward and remind each other how crazy we were nigh ane another and that none of those little things matter because we're omg sooooooo in love and we'll find a fashion to piece of work it out and everything volition be great, just you wait and see. Our love fabricated us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

As you tin can imagine, none of our issues got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. Nosotros were both self-absorbed to the point where nosotros couldn't even communicate that effectively. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no promise that it was going to terminal. Notwithstanding nosotros kept it upwards for 3 fucking years!

After all, love conquers all, correct?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed similar the Hindenburg into an oil patch. The break upwardly was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from information technology was this:

This is how a toxic relationship works. The roller coaster of emotions is intoxicating, each high feeling even more than important and more than valid than the one before, but unless there's a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that ascension tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.

three. Dearest Is Not Always Worth Sacrificing Yourself For

Ane of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to assistance treat some other person and their needs as well.

Simply the question that doesn't become asked ofttimes enough is exactly what are yous sacrificing, and is information technology worth it?

Sad girl realizing that love is not enough

In loving relationships, it'due south normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a human relationship so great.

But when it comes to sacrificing 1'south cocky-respect, one's dignity, ane's concrete body, one'south ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, and so that same beloved becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our private identity, not impairment it or replace it.

If we find ourselves in situations where we're tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, so that's essentially what we're doing: we're allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we're not careful, information technology will go out us a shell of the person we once were.

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, "You and your partner should exist best friends." About people look at that piece of communication in the positive: I should spend time with my partner similar I practice with my best friend, I should communicate openly with my partner like I practice with my all-time friend, I should take fun with my partner like I do with my all-time friend.

But people should as well look at it in the negative:

Amazingly, when we enquire ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is "no."

I know a young woman who merely got married. She was madly in dearest with her married man. And despite the fact that he had been "between jobs" for more a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-then-subtle concerns well-nigh him, she happily married him anyway.

But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he's still "between jobs," he trashes the house while she'south at work, gets angry if she doesn't cook dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she's "spoiled" and "big-headed." Oh, and he yet ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She arcadian love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the blood-red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their beloved signaled relationship compatibility. It didn't. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding ceremony, she believed that their dear would solve their problems somewhen. It didn't. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for communication on how she could cede herself even more than to make information technology piece of work.

And the truth is, it won't.

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never always, e'er tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your all-time friend moved in with you, trashed your identify, refused to get a task or pay hire, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you whatever time you complained. That friendship would exist over faster than Paris Hilton'due south interim career.

Or another situation: a man's girlfriend who was then jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to brand sure he wasn't tempted by other women. This woman was like the NSA. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could encounter information technology wearing on his self-esteem. His cocky-worth dropped to nothing. She didn't trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.

Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he's in love!

Remember this:

You tin can fall in dear with a broad diversity of people throughout the course of your life. You can autumn in love with people who are salubrious and people who are bad for y'all. Yous can fall in love in healthy means and unhealthy means. You tin can fall in beloved when you're immature and when you're old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not deficient.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. And then is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, merely one time yous lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get dorsum.

Love is a wonderful experience. It'south ane of the greatest experiences life has to offering. And it is something anybody should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Similar any other experience, it cannot be immune to define u.s., our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot let information technology eat us. Nosotros cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we practise that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because you need more than in life than love. Dearest is great. Dear is necessary. Love is beautiful. Only love is non enough.